Home, sweet home.

I am back home again, after six days of first hotel and then staying with my wonderful mother. I really needed that stay in the hotel to calm myself down after the mixed period. Now, a mixed period is strange, mainly when trying to explain it, but it is a time when I am equally low as high. And it's very low, and very high. So what usually happens is that I get very angry. And I mean ANGRY. And JELOUS. And ENVIOUS. All the NASTY feelings make themselves known and my head is spinning of it all. I used a lot of benzodiazepines (which I don't get from my doctor anymore for some weird reason) that I had saved up. Also quite a lot of oxazepam and zolpidem was used. Apart from when I really need these medications, I don't use them. They are all highly addictive and they do remove the part of you that is feelings. Well, I like having feelings! I like to know that the feelings that I do have, are real ones. But when having a manic or mixed or depressed (severe) spell, I need those medications. Still, they are hard to get from the doctors, something which I will write more about, because basically, I think that most doctors are stupid fuckers. They either over-medicate you or under-medicate you. They don't listen to us - me - the patients. Well, I shall write more about that soon, it's something I've been thinking a lot about this last week away.

I've also joined an organisation for bipolars here in Sweden, it's about time that I meet other bipolars. I need to know how they do things... and what may be the norm for having doctors who care or doesn't care.

Anyway. It's beautiful here at home, the red color suits me, calms me down and makes me feel good inside. So it's all red. :)