Gastritis and other stuff

This autumn has been a very worrisome one. I probably shouldn't had been as stressed as I am, if only I had done things the right way from the start.

I am taking benzo every day just to get myself back to earth. I am not depressed at all though. Which is great! I have awful days or horrible days and some good days, but it still doesn't get me down. I am also not manic, just a tiny bit of a busybody I guess.

I keep finding stuff and wanting to do something, so I start up groups among the neighbors and stuff like that, and write to newspapers and people in powerful places (mainly politicians) etc. I've always hidden behind things such as the letter-writing. It has been helping me all my life, with dealing with stress and angst. Writing in general is good for me, I think. My therapist doesn't always agree, but then you have to see the length of the mails I send her when I am in this mood (thats my normal shrink, not the new one) (new one doesn't want emails). So she knows that something is up with me. Liam just know from my spelling!

So what is it?? Why am I so horribly stressed, when I am not even working.

It's a lot of things that has been getting huge in my head, without it ever having to be. For one thing, I am on sick-leave from my work in the school, and I am on the state-payroll. I've been dreading talking to the authorities that I am going on holiday, and I've seen so many bad things as a result. If I don't tell, and if I do tell. It's become so stressful that I got panic attacks over and over again. I also thought that I had a heart attack and went in an ambulance in the middle of the night. But yeah, more panic attacks.

Eventually I talked to the authorities and my psychiatrist and therapist. (Sadly, my usual one has been sick herself since end of august...so I am with one that I have no trust in or can speak to, so if the ordinary isn't coming back I will ask for someone else, also a very stressful thing to do). And what happened was that they all thought that I should go. That it will be really good for me to go. And they will pay the same amount of money even though I am in Bali. Now, after months of panic I got that reply, it was done in no more than a day. My doctor has written a letter for me to take in my medication, also something that I was so worried about, because if I asked for that paper he would know that I was leaving etc etc. Every little thing just became overbearing. In my head. So stress is not my thing.

I also have had so many other things that I've worried about.

The cat.

Friends

Familiy

thinking too much about stuff that I have done badly or unjust or unfair or nasty to people. I have a hard time seeing any good in my memories of myself, just the bad and it gives me angst.

I am trying to focus on only the good stuff, but then I get too involved with things like radiatiors and people of the world coming together and putting posters up about crap and writing fourhundred letters every day to anyone and everywhere, long ones. And this is my normal self Not up or down. And my head is exploding with all the thoughts. And I try to escape from my feelings by watching bad television but it all makes me cry and laugh to hard. So benzos and some more. (never too much)

Anyway, not going to post this out on the social media, it will just be here on it's own.