Oxazepam

Oxazepam is a substance which makes you calmer and somewhat muscle-relaxing. Since last night I've taken quite a few, I don't have many left, so I wont take many more for now, but I need them to stay alive at the moment. I am feeling extremely vulnerable and sad.

I know it's to do with having bipolar, and for some people that might be something I should just live through, as I know what it is that makes me so sad, but it's not like that. I know it but it doesn't mean that I feel it less. If that makes any sense.

I am not up for calling people or talking to anyone. I am too upset and too sad. There is no where to go, because if I go to see the (extremely weird) doctor that I have been appointed she just adds medicines and I don't want that. They can also section me again so I rather not having anything to do with the medical people. I have no one appointed to me to just talk to, since I became a patient at the Bipolar 1 ward. They are SO SHIT. I thought that once I became a patient with them, that things would get better, easier, but in all honesty, all they do is giving out more medicines that I don't want, and section you. And being sectioned also include more electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatment. No thanks. Last time, I forgot that my own dad was dead. The memory was just gone and a friend of mine told me about that. I forgot so many things with ECT.

I am planning on writing a letter to the Affective Ward about how I feel that I've been treated, but I will wait until tomorrow, today I am feeling way to emotional to write anything.

I will just stay alive because that's what I need to do, but I am sick of trying to be part of the society, from now on I will just opt out. I can't be bothered anymore. I am not normal, I don't live a normal life. So I will just fake it for the people I need to fake it for.

That's all. I don't even feel like writing anymore.