Just a few thoughts

So. New information from my psychiatrist about having bipolar. It sort of shocked me, so I've not been able to write about it until now. I was visiting with her Thursday, and it was kind of horrible. The clinic is amazing. The staff who work there are the best I've ever seen in the psych-care. My doctor knowledgeable and emphatic. But the things she told me, are things I need to explore on my own and together with her next time I go to see her. She said that bipolar illness is a type of brain-damage. There has been new and important research in this area. Also for each time a person with bipolar go up or down in the illness, the brain-damage gets bigger. This is scary news for me, who are going up and down like a busy down-town elevator since stopping being a zombie on way too much medicine. She is very concerned that I am having too many hits from the illness, with the depression these last two weeks my latest, and the mixed period I had just a month and a half ago. I am worried. Just a week and a half ago I made a IQ-test and it was lower than I ever had before. I used to have a very high IQ. I don't know if this test was different than the ones I've previously have taken (yes it was...but should that really matter?). But it did scare me and riled me a bit. I also took into consideration that I've not worked or studied, so my IQ is being under-stimulated. Well, it all took me on a spin, the knowledge that it is a brain-damage, and not just some thing that happened for no good reason at all. It is somewhat a relief, and yet something very scary.

My doctor wanted to put me back on Lithium, something I can't do. The side-effects of taking Lithium before were so huge, so hard to deal with, that I can not do that to myself again. So we discussed what kind of medication I should be on, to stop my bipolar illness from taking me over time and time again. My suggestion was the one we did go on in the end, but I told her that for my next visit to her, in two months time, I will have a better knowledge of my choices by reading up on it all. She warned me from reading on bipolar-forums etc, because the people who hang on the forums are the ones with the bigger problems, and are more negative on issues such as medications. You only get the one person who had the enormous problems who write about that. You don't get the thousands of people who are fine with the medications, because as my doctor put it "They're all out in life living it, instead of hanging out in forums". Well, I am taking that into account for sure. But I'll try to get a versified idea of the medications. There are only a few types within this field, so I'll figure something out.

For now I am on dubble the dose of what I've taken now. Seroquel depot, that is.

I've not had therapy for a few weeks now, and on Monday I am going back to that. I've been unable to keep up with my homework for a while, and that feels bad, but I just have to keep on looking forward instead of berating myself for the things that I haven't done. Onward.

There are a lot of bad things going on in my family lately. One thing is that one of my sisters is sick and in hospital, I worry a lot. Other things are worrisome and difficult, but nothing I can discuss here.

I've also been thinking about other things. Like issues I find that I can fight for, and that I think about a lot, and then the issues that keep coming up in my feed on facebook, but are completely non-issues to me for some strange reason. Big issues, such as politics and non-racist things, and mostly, the saving-the-planet things, that I think about daily and that I worry about and want to be part of solving and working on.

Living in this world, it's hard to not get force-fed with the american political race for presidents, and the issues that keep coming up. There are many things that I never think about, like being gay or not. The right for vaccination. Or the right not to vaccinate??! (that's just insane..no?) Abortion or not..? (what in earth name is up with that? why should someone else decide that for you?)

I guess having been brought up in a lefty-home and then going on to become a socialist and a feminist, I have strong political views, but also having been brought up in Sweden - I never had to work on some of those issues. Like, who gives a damn if you're gay or not? I don't. Do whatever you like as long as you don't hurt someone, just like the straight people. I guess that this shows my ignorance. So be it. I can only focus on a few issues, and it's not about fighting for the choice of making my kids sick as in not vaccinating them. That's just stupidity. A non-issue. Hmm, I got to make this a better post. I am just rambling now.

So, it's Saturday and I am home, doing nothing. Same as most days. Listening to Rickie Lee Jones right now, but will go back to playing some computer games soon. I am okay. Still living. Still being here, thinking my thoughts, all is right.