The problems with having bipolar...

Not only is it the trouble you have to go through in your life - such as having ups and downs, taking loads of medications etc. You also have the small problem with gaining weight. And gained weight I have. Year after year, I put on more and more weight and now I am very fat. I am not just saying fat for effect here, it's really what I am like. Of course it's been my fault too! I've not exercised (hell, I've not been outside of my flat since september without help by a car and a driver, mostly my mom) and I am eating comfort food every day. I can't comfort myself in any other way it seems. I've tried with music, with tv, with chewing gum..but it doesn't do it.

So I went to see my physical doctor. She sent a referral to the fat-clinic. I was hoping for a gastric bypass... but nope. I got a letter today from my doc, says they wont operate on someone with bipolar, they suggested that I take this up with my mental health-doctor. Ghee, thanks. I am sure they can do a lot for me.. not.

So. Here I am. I will slowly eat myself to death - which perhaps isn't a bad way to go when I think about it, but it will be awful for my family. I think they're already ashamed of me now, the way I look like - I am like this big monster. I hate looking at myself in a mirror or a photo, I have no respect for myself at all. I just find myself ridiculous.

Talking about ridiculous, I had this dream last night (okay, I had a few dreams but..) where I was getting married to Liams dad - again. Yikes! But I was a happy bride, we got married in a hotel sort of place, and my friends were all there... but suddenly during the ceremony, I realized that my friends had gone. We were standing alone there, they'd left a note, saying it was more fun in the pub across the street, so see you guys later. Oh well. Their loss, they never got to hear my vows!! LOL!! (sorry, but that's just too funny, making vows to Liams dad..!!)

Last week an old friend from Israel was in Stockholm to visit her relatives here, and I got to meet with her (and her mom) a few times and it was so much fun. Basically it got me thinking of things I haven't for years! Both good and bad, but it also made me feel more alone, because I have this small life, and she has this BIG life. I also would like to go visit Israel again, but I also don't, because I do not want to support Israels politics in any way, shape or form.

Today I will get a visit from Liam. :) <3 <3 <3 It will be so good to see him! I miss him always.

Ps, no, I didn't get a new cat, but I thought this photo was so cute!