Therapy session number 2.

Based on all the mapping out of my phobia from last time, my therapist (Maria) asked me questions that I had to answer with numbers from 0 (=no angst) up to 100 (=most angst there is). It was some 100 questions and they were difficult to answer. Some of them really hard, as they were forcing me to think of the one thing I don't want to think about. (This is the point of it all, and it will get worse before it gets any better)

We then discussed the plan for the next session and put a plan together according to the goals that I had written up and handed to her.

They include; 1. Becoming independent as in taking buses and tube from a to b. 2. Being able to open a window or the door to the patio here at home. 3. Going back to work in some capacity. 4. Being able to be in darkness, outside or inside. And some other things.

A lot of my goals have to do with just feeling free again. I can remember that feeling... But it's been way too long, and I've been so isolated for so long, that meeting people will be a huge deal for me when getting better.

I have more homework to do this week, including a paper which is standard for people with my phobia. (rats)

Next session we will begin talking about a cousin of my phobia, the shrew-mouse (näbbmus). I don't find it as bad, mainly because it only lives out in the woods, which in my view makes it cleaner and less threatening. We will look at photos and perhaps youtube-clips.

As a person, I am very fact-oriented. I love reading facts about anything that interests me. I get in to one thing and I get stuck in thoroughly. I know so much about all these animals from ants to cows to elephants.. Maybe one day I will sit and read up everything about .. them. The horror of my world. I want to picture that for my future.

Knowledge (should be) is power, after all. Lets hope all this therapy and stress and thinking will work for me. I so much want it to work.