Is the world telling me something?

I haven't been outside much in this last (almost) year now. It got harder and harder, and then eventually it didn't work at all, stepping outside became so huge. In the dark it's almost impossible, even to take those few steps out to where my mom park her car for me, just outside the front door. But lately, I've been forcing myself out a little bit. I walk down to the shop now. It's a four minute walk there and then four minute home. It's a big deal I guess. My sweet niece Julia said to me yesterday, that I must be congratulating myself for doing it - but I feel the opposite, I only feel bad that I am doing so little.

Today I went on my treadmill, I haven't done that for months, but started it up again four days ago, and now it feels good to be on it, in the last few minutes I almost run for my life. It's nice. But today I thought I should open my door out to the world, so I did that. I sat staring at the opened door, just a few minutes, and suddenly chaos came by, in the form of a cat. I didn't see if it was chasing something but it came storming in, and it ran around my tiny flat, a few times, like a hurricane on the loose, I was just sat there completely shocked, I mean, I haven't had my door open alone in such a long time, and now this? Was that some higher entity's way of telling me to keep having my door shut? Because I didn't see what the cat was chasing, I am now very nervous that it might have been a mouse or even a rat, and that it is now hiding somewhere in my flat. It has me in total terror. The cat reacted to me, when I finally got around to moving a bit from my chair, and it ran out as fast as it ran in. But did he leave me a little something?? I've been walking about, looking under things, dragging computer-table, bed, drawers etc out, to check behind. I don't know. It feels bad.

And my therapy is on a stand-still. Still.

I have some good things that I should write about here too, but this sort of took over my afternoon and evening.

I wish I still had my cat, Ginza. She would had sorted that other cat out asap. She was fierce. I loved her.