Therapy session number 6.

I was expecting a "normal" session of the endurance of meeting my fear. This time, however, became very different. Every session is built on a specific route, and we always start with going through the papers I have filled in on my progression of my homework - plus, because I have bipolar, we also go through a mental status paper (mood tracker). I fill this in every day. On it is:

1. State of mind, from severe depression down to "normal state of mind" from severe mania. 2. Angst, from 0= none to 3= severe 3. Irritability, from 1= none to 3=d severe 4. Time slept (in hours) 5. Medications taken over the course of the day. This has to be exact. 6. Events (if anything relevant to this form)

So, looking at this piece of paper, my therapist saw that I had had a mixed episode during the days of homework. We spoke about this at length. Things like the ones I've been wondering myself, where do I call to get help? What can I do to make myself better? What can others do to help? And many more questions concerning this. Seeing as I have a new doctor and no contact-person at my clinic, and the new doctor seem extremely odd to me and not a person I'd open up to at all, I was very lost when getting ill in my bipolar. So, the therapist, (Maria) did yet another full mapping of my illness, on everything concerning the illness on a big white-board. We then brought my mom in to help in filling the mapping in properly.

Now if I feel crap during the time that I am at the phobia-clinic, they will deal with me. It's such a relief. But, to sum this up; we did not go through with any normal therapy-activity, but will continue already tomorrow with doing this. On another very important note: I have found another clinic who hopefully will accept me as their patient (bipolar, not phobia) after I am done with this phobia-therapy clinic. It's in walking distance and it just opened for bipolars this Tuesday. I couldn't believe my luck to be honest. This means that I won't have to go back to the doctor who humiliated me so badly on my one and only visit to her. However, I do have a telephone-appointment with her on Monday the 7th March, so I will take that opportunity to explain to her how I felt after the visit and from what she had written about me in my sick note. According to her, I am abnormal. I don't believe that I am. I have had some rotten luck in my life, and I've got bipolar illness 1 to live with all my life, and I do have a very difficult phobia, but I am not abnormal. I have fine social skills, and I am ..you know.. I'd say that I am actually OKAY. True that I need some medications and I do need this intense therapy. My mood swings are often severe, and I do have a difficult time being alone and lonely, I am isolated and I am quite poor, but really, I am not stupid and I am not abnormal. I am A-Okay.