Life?

Went to therapy yesterday. My therapist got worried about my general mood, and got me to talk to a doctor there, just to check if it was my new medicine that makes me feel suicidal, but he reckoned that it is just my normal bipolar swing again. They're worried about my constant swings, and I am too I guess. But I am living in it, with it, being it.

I often think about if people would miss me when I finally get myself to kill myself. The doctor I spoke to yesterday told me that if I kill myself, it will be Liam who sits there, frantically sad in his office. I don't want that to happen, I want Liam to stay happy and joyous over the life he has chosen to lead. I don't want to create a sad Liam. (although, being me, I more than often think that he would be so much better off without me)

I don't hear from him very often. I don't hear from many people. Most people. I keep wondering if they'd miss me.... I doubt it, if they would miss me, wouldn't they want to see me, be with me now? And they really don't.

I am all sadness, but now I am going with my mom to IKEA. Maybe that will make things better, maybe I can breath again.

If it gets much worse, I will have to go stay in a hospital again to save my own life. It's a double-edged sword. I hate those psyc-wards. But I need to stay alive for Liams sake. I have to force myself to think of him.