Therapy session number 4.

Today was particularly hard. I slept bad and I felt weepy all the way to the therapy in the car, and everything just felt lost. I felt that the therapy was already lost on me. Everything felt totally black. If this therapy doesn't work on me, then I am stuck here for life, in this tiny little bedsit, alone and isolated. I was thinking, if this doesn't work, I will rather be dead. I still feel like that, although now, after the therapy, it feels a bit more hopeful. I spoke to Maria (the therapist) at length about how the CBT works on various specific phobias. The therapy isn't a 100% a success story but she did tell me that it's the "easiest" thing to treat.

So, we moved on from the shrew mouse and to the ordinary wood-mouse. They are worse than the shrew because of the way that they look more like rats. We spent ages on one single photo, which just had me terrifed and tearful. Then a few other photoes that were easier to look at, and then on to more film-clips. I have the videos for homework until next time. Same sort of forms to fill in - with anxiety levels being meassured from 1-100.

We then went on to discuss next week, which will be focused on facts on rats, and looking at a few photos. So I am going closer to the target. I wish I could just drop out, but as I said, there is no turning back, there is no turning off, I just have to do this, or simply die.